A Young Woman's Journey Through Life... And Its Experiences

+ + TrY + +

2009-10-15T22:24:00.001-04:00

There are so many ways to define this word; so many beginnings and ends to and from this word.

For the past couple of months, I've been feeling... contented? Jaded doesn't quite describe it because I'm not exactly tired. I'm not particularly upset with anything. And yet, I'm not overly ecstatic about anything. There's this little voice inside me screaming to break out. But, the voice is so little, I can hardly hear it.

There's so much I want out of life. The cello, my own place, a career in music, travelling and experiencing different cultures, chasing after all sorts of luxury foods... etc. But, where do I start? How do I start?

There are so many things I want to scream out and express with no boundaries, but I just cannot find the voice for it right now. I don't know who to turn to, I don't know what to say. I just need to ramble on and on about just nothing and hope that the 'something' is hidden with the nothing.

I am a happy woman. I am very lucky for all the blessings that make up my charmed life. But, what am I really?

+ + 2 years of Baby Bliss + +

2009-08-23T22:43:00.005-04:00

Last Saturday, the Man and I celebrated our 2nd year anniversary.

He picks me up at about 1:30 p.m. (and was on time), with a nice ham sandwich, which he hand-made. Ah, what a change *GrinS*. We didn't really have anything planned asides from dinner, so I thought we'd go to the National Zoo (as I haven't been since I was too young to remember anything). We took the KESAS and headed to Ampang.

It was still drizzling by the time we got there, so we thought of Plan B (head to KLCC and spend some nice geeky time at Kinokuniya). The big smile he had on his face told me how perfect this guy is for me. Before we turned around to head to KLCC, I had a sudden urge to look for the all-too-famous Cheras Hospital (abandoned and apparently very haunted). The Man actually complied to looking for it (half-hearted). Neither of us knew how to get there (or where it was exactly). But, the Man recalled a place that freaked him out before near M's house. So, we headed there.

Nope, wasn't it. Not even close. Instead of heading straight back to the main road, the Man drove around M's housing area. (One of our li'l hobbies is to check out big, pretty houses). We went deeper and deeper into the area, and further from the highway. I looked up and realised we were really close to a hill I saw from the highway (weird distance thingie). I pointed it out to the Man and we were like, "Lets drive towards it and see where we get". We went closer and closer, until it was almost above us. And, we found a narrow trail.

It was relatively well-kept but rather narrow (and had street lamps...like "huh?"). Both sides of the trail were inaccessible because of the overgrowth, bushes and trees. I was getting a li'l scared (heading into unknown territory) and the Man was getting very excited. We drove up the steep trail until we came between two wooden houses (on either side). It looked abandoned. The Man noticed the electric-poles and how the wirings led straight up the trail. Once we passed the abandoned houses, we come to a clear area on the left side of the trail. You can look down the trail into a small valley (about 110-15 metres beneath the trail). And, it was a small village of about 10 wooden houses. They looked abandoned to me (but the Man thinks otherwise) and I did not notice any trails leading into the village.

We continued up the trail until... we reached a gate. The gate is similar to those we saw on TV that lead to an army camp (sort of), with a rather big sign that says "Private property. Trespassers will be prosecuted". The left half of the gate was opened. The Man drives in (I think I stopped breathing for a bit there). As we went in, there was a small, higher compound to the left. It held two junk cars (no doors, rusted, the works). I was getting quite scared and nervous by then. To the right, there was a grove and pass the grove (as we drove deeper) was a small garden with potted plants. We went on and there was a higher compund in front of us (with normal cars). We headed to the compound (at least, we can make a U-turn there) and bumped into two men. A Malay man in a sarong, and an Indian man in a dark green jacket. We get scolded (mildly) for entering a private compound, make our apologies, and turn around.

Thank God, no shotguns or axes were used against us *PheW*.

That place was named "Rimba Suci" (translation - "Sacred Grove") - The Man does some research and found out that it's a retreat for practitioners to go to to work on purifying and strengthening the body and soul. Quite interesting!

After our nice li'l drive around, we found our way back to the highway, passed the zoo and headed to KLCC. The Man had 1901 hotdogs for the first time (Ahhh... it's great being there for his first times). Then, we both tried out Boost Juice Bar (yummilicious!!).

Oh yes, how could I forget. Before all that, I needed to pee quite badly and went to the first restroom we came across. I paid RM2!!! I was in a state of "whateverness" and desperate. They hand u a nice packeted wet towel. It's very clean inside, with those sanitary liquids you can use to snitize the toilet seat before seating. And at the sinks, there's a small basket of toiletries, such as hydrating spritz, white musk body lotion, cologne, etc. (from the Body Shop). Nice! Wanted to use 'em all (to get my money's worth) but couldn't be bothered.

We spent the rest of the time at Kinokuniya. The Man (Oh my dear dear Man!!!) buys me 'Cook with Jamie' by Jamie Oliver. I've been eyeing it but it's too expensive for me to bother. I bought him a book to keep all our ticket stubs in and a travel journal for us to take notes on our travels.

For dinner, we headed to our all-time favorite (weekly-dining) restaurant, SUGIMOTO @ DESA SRI HARTAMAS. The best dinner anyone could ask for with amazing service (kudos to the staff), and well-trained chefs (generous too!). By the end of dinner, we were stuffed! (and that's saying something for me). We then headed to NJ's place, and had a great time playing 'Khronos' the boardgame and 'Kingsburg' as well (with expansion). Great game, 'Khronos'! (whole time-travel and all is right up my alley) and 'Kingsburg' is so much more fun with the expansion!

The day ended at 2 a.m. and I was exhausted. I had a fabulous day and am very grateful to the Man for all that he's done for me.

MissJee almost ruined things for me last night (just by existing), and I almost forgot all the beautiful things that happened on Saturday. Writing it all down does help. And, I hope that MissJee will disappear from our lives. "Sorry, baby, she may be your "friend" but she'll never be mine. And, I'd honestly rather she wasn't yours!"

*Cheers*

+ + To Think or Not To Think + +

2009-08-05T23:36:00.004-04:00

When one runs away from one's thoughts, it is a sure sign that one has something to fear within one's self.

Everytime a moment like this surfaces, I hide inside my outer shell of harshness and cold-heartedness, hoping that if I ignore it long enough, it'll go away. And that, maybe, I may come out of it a stronger person. No doubt, everytime I come out of it, I am a stronger person. My skin gets that li'l bit thicker and my girlish softness slowly melts away. Strength, as literally defined.

There is a part of me that wants to remain that way. But, there's a part of me that's rather ready to break free (of myself).

My mother is sick. And I didn't want to face it. I belittle it, I worry over it, and I cry when I think of the what ifs. The fact is, she is sick. She may get better, or she may not. The medications may work, they may not. She may choose to take her medicines, or she may choose not to. It is all out of my control. However, what still remains within my control is how I treat my mother, how I react to her, and how much time I spend with her. It's me I have to change. Not my mother, not her illness, not fate.

Work is tedious. It is becoming a li'l too routine-like for my liking. The Clients get on my nerves, and sometimes I lose it. However, I need to understand that it is not their fault and that they are as much in this Hell-Hole as I am. I need to find the calm within myself to be patient again. They do not deserve my rudeness. And, I apologize for it. For allowing my personal life get in the way of my work.

My father is unfair. And I've been ignoring it. He has a new love in his life; my niece, ARTYL. And we love ARTYL very much. He has devoted all his love and energy to caring for ARTYL and for whatever frustrates him, he lets it out on mum and me. Nothing we do is ever good enough. All the things we do do right are ignored. And the smallest mistakes we make are blown right out of proportion. Sometimes, it may not even be a mistake. Ex. Last night, I took a shower, went to my dad's room to comb my hair and play with ARTYL a li'l. My hair was wet. I do not like drying my hair when it is soaking wet. My routine is to towel-dry it, let it air for ten minutes, then dry it with a hair-dryer. My sister says, "Why's your hair so wet?" <--- redundant question asked by someone with nothing better to say. And my dad immediately jumps into the conversation and says, "She's stupid wat. She'll suffer from it some day but that's her problem."

Why?

I don't know. Why do people have to say things in such a way? And we always cry to ourselves, "But they don't even know the whole story!!"

You know what? It really doesn't matter. They don't and they never will because they chose not to know. So, why do we choose to let ourselves get affected by it? I got affected by it. And I don't want to anymore. I don't want to keep trying to please my dad. I will never be his little girl ever again because he doesn't need me. There is no need for me to keep fighting so hard for it. Life goes on. ARTYL's here now, and it's her job now to make my dad smile and laugh. It is now my job to watch him and make sure he has a comfortable retirement someday.

The Man

How do I even begin? We will be turning 2 years old on the 22nd; the longest I've ever held on to a relationship. And, to be honest, it scares me shitless. Once, just once, 7 years ago, I lost someone I loved. I watched him drive himself deeper and deeper into the abyss I tried so hard to keep him away from. I spent the next 5 years blaming myself for it. And, I spent the next 5 years wishing for the "Good old days" once again. I hurt myself for 5 years (being as destructive as I could without causing too dire an effect).

Somehow, in those 5 years, I cultivated a sense of fear for commitment. Every guy I dated in those years, I drove away or I left before I could build it or they could grow on me.

Then, the Man came along. It's been a beautiful and depressing 2 years. When we're up, we swing sky high, and when we're down, it very nearly hits rock bottom. I feel the fear in me growing again. I know, if I lose the Man, whatever that happened 7 years ago won't even come close to affecting me quite as much as this would. And, I don't know if I'm strong enough to face it. I don't know if I dare enough to risk it.

He's all I ever wanted in a man, all I could ever dream of and more, ya-di ya-da... and not. Sometimes, I wonder if maybe it'd be better if he weren't. If, as time passes, he didn't prove to me that he's better than I'd imagined it in my childhood fantasies. If he'd screw up big time, the pressure would lessen and I wouldn't have as much to lose.

I am so afraid of loving him. I need to know that I can be me, I can stand on my own two feet. So, even if he leaves, I won't fall. I won't break and I'd survive just as well.

I think I finally found the guy I would marry. One I'd say 'yes' to if he asked.

But, I also think...

I won't ever get married. I'm too afraid. The pain. The fear of a divorce. The complications. The heartache. The failures. The fear of death. The loneliness. The emptiness.

I'm guessing (rather accurately), I'm too immature to be in a relationship. Those friends of mine, who said that they envy my strength...well, envy this!

I don't know what I want. One of the things I hate about being a woman. So many contradicting wants and thoguhts. What DO I actually think and want?

+ + Noein: Mō Hitori no Kimi e + +

2009-07-28T23:43:00.005-04:00

I first watched this amazing anime about 3 years ago. I remember thinking, "These Japanese people know their shit!".

The main theme of this series is Quantum Mechanics. They took this well-known concept and portrayed it through the probable existence of infinite layers of "reality"; more commonly known to us as dimensions. What the anime uses as its basis is the collission of various lifeforces from multiple dimensions. The "you" 15 years on (from one of "your" probable futures) meets the "you" now (from the reality as "you" know it to be). Of course, it isn't as simple as that. There's a whole underlying conspiracy that affects one of the dimensions, and that dimension, struggling to maintain its existence, forces its way through to other dimensions to find the ultimate solution.

That dying dimension is called La'Cryma in the anime. Hasebe Ai from La'Cryma held strongly that the only reality is the time and space in which one is in. She knows of the other dimensions, but to her, all those dimensions are merely possibilities, and the real is the where.

3 years ago... I thought, "How silly! All realities (past, present, and future) are interconnected and each one is as important as the other. If I were to meet my past, or my future, they'd be as significant to my life as the "I" from here and now is." I mean, everything I went through in my past has shaped me (and disregarding it would be similar to disregarding my current existence, no?). And knowing my future can affect my current choices (to shape a future I'd prefer).

I picked it up again. Found the DVD and got the Man to buy it. Re-watching it, I realised, my beliefs are a li'l different now. I can understand where Hasebe Ai is coming from. When we are faced with the now, wanting a better tomorrow, the past is no longer significant. It's still important to remember and to hold on to the memories (cherishing the good, learning rom the bad, and all). But, that's the most the past can ever do for any of us. It was me. I was there once, in those shoes at that time. However, I am not there anymore. It is not real anymore. Reality is in the here, the now.

If I saw myself from the past, now, I'd have to understand that she was me, but I am not her. She can end up going somewhere else, heading towards a different dimension (different choices made compared to those I made then).

My future's a vague dream, enveloped by a thick cloud of haze. It will only clear up, with every effort I put into shaping it and bring it to my reality. It will become me, only as long as I choose for it to be. And, what future I choose to be in is all up to the choices I make now, the things I do now. So, "Now" is my only reality.

+ + Who can I turn to? + +

2009-07-28T22:56:00.002-04:00

Too afraid to worry anyone. Too jaded to wanna talk about it.

Everyday, of late, has been a constant struggle for me not to fall into depression again; not to allow the negative emotions from surfacing; not to allow myself to feel lonely and unwanted; not to let it show on my face how lost I am.

Where am I going? What are my plans? I had dreams, once...I remember, I think. I see it in front of me every night before I go to bed and every morning when I wake up. But I haven't touched it. Not in a week. Still a li'l scared. Of what? Of under-achievement? Of over-achievement? I don't know.

All of you come up to me, share your problems, and I listen. Hoping to make it a li'l easier on you. And, I know, you need it.

But...

Who's there to listen to me? To just sit there and watch me cry? To know I'm in need of a li'l guidance too?

Oh yes, my Man has been remarkable, and always there for me. But, when he begins to shut me out from his fears, I automatically do the same. In the end, we're both smiling faces with a growing black wall behind our eyes. I am in no position to help him right now, so the least I could do is not burden him with my issues (which I have no idea what they really are).

The Friends are facing their own share of ordeals. The Family too. All of us struggling to cross our own set of hurdles.

Then, I just try to hold it all in and stand as strong as I can, for as long as I can. But, I think I may be breaking soon.

+ + A little Blue adds to the many colours of Life + +

2009-07-20T21:12:00.004-04:00

A little vulnerable at the moment; I feel like digging a hole in the ground and stuffing my head in it, just for a li'l bit.

Mummy's not feeling well and we don't quite know what's going on (well, at least, I don't quite know what's going on). Been going for some tests and stuff, waiting for the results. And, I'm scared shitless. Been thinking a li'l, who do I turn to in moments like this? I've always turned to her. Whatever goes wrong, I could always just ask her to come to my room and spill my heart out. Whenever something seems a li'l off, she'll somehow know of it. Who can ask for a better mum? She knows when to bug me to spill and when to just leave me alone.

All this while, I've been wondering who my best friend is. A few names, and all of them are great to me in different ways. But, mummy... she's the best to me in everyway (even when she's feeling pissy). And, boy, is she feeling pissy right now. She's hurting all over, and I don't know what to do. Why won't she tell me what's wrong?

I can't do this without her. She's a downright spoilt li'l kid at times, but she always has the best advice when needs arise. How do I make all the mistakes I do knowing I don't have her to run to? She cannot be anything but all right. I'm not even married yet. I haven't even had my kids yet. She has to be there. She just has to. Who's gonna tell me that I'm doing it all wrong and funny, and tell me that it's ok to do it the way I do? Who's gonna come home with a li'l gift for me and say, "I got you something" (with that cheekish look, like a child who knows she did something right..)? I need my mum. I want to share my life with her. Can't do that without her around, now can I?

Thanx to my Man for putting up with my erratic lashes of frustration.

I love you, mum.

+ + Beyond the pre-empt, and into the true New Year + +

2009-01-02T05:23:00.005-05:00

Pre-empting can be quite deceiving; not quite unalike expecting the worst when your mood is down. The New Year has begun and I feel a pull to planning out my life and starting my life for real.

The Man... he fought! I respect him for understanding my needs and for being willing enough to make appropriate changes to suit those needs.

The Man... he loves me! It took me long enough to finally see it, but better late than never, huh? I am very thankful for that and have to keep trying my best to make things work out.

The Man and I are going through an experimental period, testing the grounds and finding something that we both can live with as we take our relationship to a whole new level. And, I want to thank him for bringing this amazing experience into my life.

I love you, and will keep falling in love with you again and again.

I am ever so grateful to all my dear, dear friends (and cello teacher) who stood by my side when I needed them the most and help guide me through the difficult times of my life. Without them, I would never have been able to grow into an adult and put aside all my childish ways.

I am eternally thankful to my parents just for being who they are. For always being able to find a balance in things and for always being there for me. For never being overly naggy or protective. For understanding my need for privacy. For loving me and supporting me despite all my flaws. For spoiling me rotten and always showering me with all the comforts a girl could ever wish for. For guiding me through all the tough times, and even the easy times (annoying as it may sometimes be). For being my bestest friends, and playing disgusting jokes on me. For knowing when I need to just cry and not talk to anyone, but always standing nearby just to catch me in case I fall. For forgiving me for being a grouchy git most of the time. I love you forever and ever!

Happy New Year!

+ + A Very Happy 2009 + +

2008-12-29T05:34:00.008-05:00

Oh, what a great way to start a new year... By breaking all the previous year's resolutions.On the 25th of December (after dating for 1 year & 4 months ++), the Man finally and officially decided to ask me to be his girlfriend. Happy? Very much so. Ecstatic? Not quite so. How can I be when I waited that long already?

Now, only 4 days later, we are on the verge of ending it for good.
Now, only 4 days later, we hit an uncrossable hurdle. One he's not willing to budge for, one I'm not willing to budge for.
Now, only 4 days later, I spent the previous night listening to old emo music, crying myself to sleep. Only to have a lovely dream that made me feel good inside. Only to wake up regretting I woke up.
Now, only 4 days later, we did not make it cross the year.
Now, only 4 days later, I've destroyed the future I wished for.

Will I budge and turn a blind eye to this flaw of his, like his mother adviced? I'm too weak and too afraid to. To have to continue in this relationship constantly watching over my back... Constantly wondering. I will not. And, I know, he will not fight for me.

What an amazing way to start a New Year. Not taking proper care of myself, I've come down with a fever. And, before I can begin to recover, the Man punches a hole through my heart. Is it entirely his fault? Of course not! I'm just too stubborn and so is he. It's as simple as we're not compatible. I merely fell dreadfully in love with someone I cannot live with and cannot live without.

I'm too exhausted to feel angry. I'm too exhausted to argue and to fight. I just feel like lying dead and letting these few days just fly by. Self-pity? Whatever!

But, a Happy New Year to everyone else out there and I hope you'll all have a much better New Year than me.

+ + Rest in Peace + +

2008-12-02T00:05:00.010-05:00

* * And The Time Has Come * *

A Great Man... whose achievements far surpasses that of a regular being.

A Loving Husband... whose kindness and patience has left an empty hole in his wife's soul.

A Figurehead Father... whose love for his sons were silent but whole and unconditional.

An Inspirational Mentor... whose guidance never left the sides of those in his care.

A Caring Individual... who'd never let me park my car outside the house.

The many ifs playing through my mind -

- If only I had more time with him -

- If only I got the chance to know him better -

- If only I could've inspired his son to spend more time with him -

- If only he'd have given us his blessings...

But, all these do not matter anymore.

He has left with no regrets, and so, we shall let him leave with none.

May his soul be gently guided to a better place, and may his family and friends be blessed with compassion in this time of need.

+ + Only twenty-four + +

2008-11-27T23:16:00.008-05:00

I am only twenty-four, and I am so afraid.

It's not that many years under my belt. But, I am running out of time as a musician. I have performed with a few and I know for a fact that I did not impress any of them. They never called me back. I am improving, but not fast enough. How? I need to work in the day. I am trying whatever I can to earn however much I can to survive. But, it's all not good enough. I don't play well enough. Will I ever? I don't earn enough to support myself. Will I ever? When I turn thirty, will I still be living with my parents? When will I be able to afford my own place, pay for my own bills, support my own music education, etc.?

I am only twenty-four, and he is dying.

The closest person I ever saw dead was my great-grandmother. I loved her for she was an amazing woman, and she saved my mother's life. And then, I watched QiQi die, my sister's guinea pig. I was alone at home and I was sitting by her tank. She was so weak and I watched her choke to death.Paralyzed, I didn't know what to do. I sat there until someone came home.

Now, the Man is watching his father die. I made the choice to stand by the Man's side and support him emotionally. I have been there everyday, from ICU till he came home. And I believed I was strong enough, but it's eating me away inside. To watch the Man I love endure this, to see him shed tears and then try to laugh again, to know that he's hurting inside not being able to do anything about it... Not being able to do anything about it... What can I do? I don't know what to do. What is the right thing to say? When is it the right time to hold him? How can I show him that everything will be alright without having to utter those words?

I am only twenty-four, and I love.

Thank you, whoever you are, for giving me the one voice I always wanted to sing in. Thank you, whoever you are, for blessing my life with remarkable parents. Thank you, whoever you are, for giving me the one love I have prayed for for endless nights. And Thank you, whoever you are, for the bestest friend a girl could ever ask for.

Please give me the strength to see this through and survive!

+ + Disappointment That Pushes Forward + +

2008-07-01T03:39:00.005-04:00

Grade 5 exam... I sat for the Trinity Guildhall Grade 5 cello examination slightly more than a month ago; 2 etudes and 3 pieces. It was a stressful time for me, as the exam date was set a few weeks earlier than anticipated. Without much preparation, I panicked. A few days ago, my cello teacher called me to tell me that my results were out. I broke-down. 2 points shy of a Distinction, I was (and still am) very disappointed in myself. However, all is good. This has spurred me to practice more and that is always good.

Audition... Last Sunday, I auditioned for a place in the accompanying-orchestra for 'Ismail the Musical'. I knew I didn't perform very well. I stayed on after my audition to chat with some friends waiting to audition themselves. A teenage girl went in after me. She's probably about 14 years old, and she's technically a very good cellist. I left, half-way through her audition. Mostly because I couldn't bear with the disappointment I felt in myself.

+ + A Saturday of Indulgence + +

2008-06-21T13:11:00.003-04:00

The performance... turned out OK. We were pushed back by two bands, and sat around waiting until it was about 6p.m. Much cannot be expected from a band that did not get much rehearsal time in, and there were a lot of moments when I was unsure of what I was supposed to play (lead guitarist added verse lines, replaced choruses with verses, etc.). But, all in all, I had a blast performing. It's refreshing; a nice change from the usual study-the-scores-and-practice-the-technical-parts to improvise-on-the-spot-or-sound-stupid.

After... The Man and I were supposed to go for an alumni event held by my university in collaboration with LeHigh University and Dresser-Rand. We made our way to Mandarin Oriental Hotel, got ourselves a nice (but VERY expensive) parking spot, and arrived about half an hour early. So, we decided to make a small detour to Kinokuniya Bookstore. And, I decided to skip the event. I found a few interesting books, but had to hold on tight to the willpower for not over-spending. I left, all happy and shopped-up, with "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Solos and Improvisation" and the "Concise Oxford Dictionary of Music" (link shows the 4th edition; the one bought is the 5th edition).

Over-indulgence... Had dinner while watching 'A Little Princess'. And, got stuck in a horrendous traffic jam (at 11'frigging'p.m.) for about an hour. Sneaked in an hour of practice time before continuing in the whole over-indulgence thing by watching a few more episodes of 'Naruto'.

All in all, it has been a easy-paced (and interesting) day.

+ + Fête de la Musique + +

2008-06-20T09:46:00.006-04:00

To be in a rock band...

I've been rehearsing for the past two days with a guitarist friend. What for? We'll be performing (tomorrow) at the Fête de la Musique in Kuala Lumpur. The band comprises of a guitarist, a drummer, a percussionist, a bassist (whom I have yet to meet), and a cellist. TL (guitarist friend) composed three songs for us to perform, and I have to give it to him, the songs are beautiful. All of us (except the bassist) got together today to rehearse for the first time. We started late, but roughly got everything down. But, our li'l joke is that we'll be practicing together for the first time tomorrow (during the performance). I had my doubts, at first, because of how "last-minute" everything was. However, I think it's gonna be a blast performing with these guys.

Diversion...

The Man is back. I feel a li'l strange seeing him again after being so far from him for ten days.

Check this out...

+ + The Overture + +

2008-06-14T13:13:00.015-04:00

The first post. I am a character, not unlike any other character in this world. I have my likes and dislikes, which might be obvious at times (throughout my posts) and confusing at times. I will turn twenty-four this September. I am a Libra, born in the year of the Rat. I am self-employed. I am single but not available.
-The End- (of the introduction, that is)

These past five days have been rather refreshing. A play I was involved in (as the costumes person) ended last Sunday. It was called 'How I Learned to Drive'; a Pulitzer prize-winning play written by Paula Vogel. The Man left to Sarawak to shoot for a tele-movie, which will be showing in August on the Astro Ria channel, on Tuesday. And, I've had a lot of time on my hands.

After skipping three consecutive rehearsals with the KLpac Sinfonietta for the HSBC Piano Festival (coming up in July), rehearsal on Wednesday was rather... interesting. I was hopeless, due to the lack of practice, and I felt a pang of anger (mostly towards myself) as I peeked at the ensemble for 'Ismail the Musical' practicing.

Why? [This story is based on what I was told. I did not hear it directly from the musical director, mind you!] I was to audition for a place in the orchestra (for the musical), but the musical director canceled it. He asked my cello teacher to play alone (the cello part). I was very upset, and my pride was wounded. I know I performed rather badly in the musical last year. But, in my opinion, that WAS a year ago. I know I have improved.

However, the very next day (after rehearsal), my cello teacher called to tell me that the musical director changed his mind, and is willing to audition me again! That's the good news. The bad news? I have to AMAZE him. I know I have improved (deja vu)... but, have I improved enough? We shall see.

I have been practicing everyday since The Man left, and I'm happy. I'm currently working on my bowing technique. My arm is weak, and sometimes, my bow-hand shakes from the lack of strength. I'm trying to ingrain it within my muscles; "it" being the ability to bow consistently and smoothly. I'm beginning to get there. I WILL GET THERE!!!

The cello never ceases to amaze me. It seems like such an innocent instrument, and when you listen to records of cello music, the flow between the notes and the timbre of the instrument is just plain beautiful. But, it really isn't as simple as dragging the bow across the strings. There's that whole beginner's lesson on the usage of arm-weight to create friction between the horse-hair and the strings. Simple enough... but, if the weight pressure isn't consistent, parts of any one note will come out sounding scratchy. And, then, there are different notes. Pressing the string down at different points create different pitches. It also varies the length for the vibration of the string, and the different lengths require different amounts of weight to create the same dynamic. If one does not know how to apply the appropriate amount of weight needed for each pitch, the beautiful and melancholic timbre of the cello is lost.

There is also a specific distance between each string. And, a specific angle for the bow on the strings. I know the distance, and I know the angles. But, I do not know them well enough. If one can master that, plus the application of arm-weight, then one can do so much with a cello; express the smoothness of a swan gliding across the lake, or of a riot during a revolution, or the echoes within the calmness of a Meditation. One could play Beethoven with its distinct (and very Classical) changes in dynamics, and yet bring out its sense of expression (in the Romantic way). One could play Bach's brilliant compositions that allow for so much individual (personal) translation. One could touch people's hearts or evoke anger and fear.

Anyone can play the cello. But not everyone can make beautiful music with the cello. And that's what I'm trying to master. I'm not a genius. I was not born with the innate ability to play the cello. And, I started learning the cello at the age of twenty-one. I'm not one of those people, who can do a vibrato with hardly any effort. I AM one of those, who took a year to learn to vibrato and am still trying to learn to control the various types of vibrato (the depth of it and the speed of it). The odds are against me, but I truly believe that passion and determination can change fate.

If you haven't already gathered, I'm a cellist!